Hollywood Reporter #4

More from Heike, our (wo)man in Hollywood. She'll be addressing more Americanisms, her new film, and car rental troubles. And will she ever get to meet Charlize Theron?

Waah'd uup?

Okay, so why is it that I haven't seen any celebrities? What's up with that? This town is teeming with them, everyone I know sees a few on a daily
basis. Nicole (my director) sits next to famous people all the time at dinner in restaurants and I haven't seen anyone I recognise! Like, maybe I've seen TV stars, but didn't know it? (notice how I'm beginning to speak with an upward inflection at the ends of sentences) Actually, I know why that might be. You mostly see celebs in West Hollywood coffee shops and restaurants. Guess what? I haven't had the cash to hang out in either of the aforementioned establishments much...and when I did get invited to accompany people who were on the guestlist of a celebrity club, it was a Monday night and there were no famous people there - except Tom Cruise's lookalike. And he's not famous, Tom is.

I am a firm believer of "when in Rome, do as the Romans" (within reason of course). With this in mind and in order to experience something new and expand my horizons, I have engaged in an exchange. I give Pilates sessions in exchange for hypnotherapy to deal with my chocolate addition. Sound scary? Not at all. I get to talk about chocolate (hmmmmmm), then I go under and get told not to eat so much of it and to make healthy choices. Apparently, I should be all done in about six sessions. I have had two so far and guess what? I've only eaten four pralines writing this!

To continue on the cultural differences theme I brought up last time, here are some more things I've noticed. Sometimes, words we use in SA or Europe that have a positive meaning, mean the opposite here. It took me a while to "get" this next example. In LA, "funky" means 'messed up/weird/not working' as opposed to...well... FUNKY! COOL! GREAT! I had a few strange moments when I'd be discussing something problematic with someone and that person agreed with me saying:" yeah, it's all funky". That threw me totally. I thought we had agreed it was bad/a problem/not good, but turns out they think it's actually cool. Until I finally asked someone what they meant when they said funky and it all got cleared up.
How I'm ever going to be able to use funky again, without stopping to consider my geographical location, I'm not sure.

I once walked into a grocery store and asked a shop floor assistant a question (in English). He shook his head and replied that he didn't understand. Seeing as he was Hispanic and had an accent, I thought he meant he didn't speak or understand English. I was amazed and went home and told Lauren: "You know, there are people employed at supermarkets who don't even speak English! I asked this guy whether my vegetables would be weighed at the till and he didn't understand." Lauren's response: "Did you use the word 'till'? Yeah, no,it's check-out. If you use British slang, no-one will understand you."

Well, yeah - I've noticed. The car rental man didn't know what I was talking about when I told him the "boot" won't open and there is a loose connection under the "bonnet". Once, when I asked someone where the toilets were, she roared with laughter and replied:" In the RESTROOM!"
Speaking of which - why on earth is it called that?! I mean who wants to REST there? I just want to do my thing and get the hell out, thank you. In any event, if you do want to spend half an hour 'resting' in a so-called restroom, you can be sure that some freak will knock the door down soon enough to get in to do a bit of 'resting' themselves!

Other words that will get you a "huh?" and wrinkled brow response: CV is a resume, boot is a trunk, bonnet is a hood, petrol is gas (they LOVE it when I fill up with petrol) and you will get laughed at (and I mean LAUGHED at) if you pronounce schedule in the British way. For some reason, this really cracks people up. So, please remember to pronounce it "sKedule" and not the wickedly hilarious "SHedule". Of course, my name is another problematic word - thanks Mom and Dad! HOwever, if you follow these simple rules...you're all set!

Oh, yes, that brings me to another expression favoured by people here. When said quickly with an American accent, it sounds a bit like "ural set", which drew many a blank look and embarrassed:"pardon?" from me. "Ural set!", came the repetition. I still wouldn't know what was going on so I'd just smile and nod politely, as one does in such situations. By week 3 I had finally figured it out... luckily the nodding had actually suited the situations covered by "you're all set", so that's a relief. I may have felt foolish, but I didn't necessarily look it.

This weekend the "Instead of me" (IOM) shoot begins. I've been doing tons of rehearsing for the dance sequences and the bruises I got on my hipbones during the callbacks are finally turning green and fading away. (because I now understand how to do that move without banging my hips into the floor! That's what rehearsals are for, right?) Oh and, Vaughn, you win. They highlighted my hair for IOM. I haven't been this blonde since I was a kid.

I've just come home from a cast and crew "pizza and beer" evening, after which I had a costume-fitting (GREAT timing, after pizza and beer! At H at night too) and then Nicole and I went hunting for a drag queen named Hunter that I met with Vaughn in my first week here.

Now, if Gloria Glitterwitz were here, she would be in my movie. However, she's not - so I am tracking down one of the 'girls' from the Dreamgirls Revue I saw at Micky's.

Micky's is this really slick bar/nightclub/dragshow venue right in West Hollywood that Vaughn took me to one Monday night. It's a very stylish place, full of queens and transvestites. Anyway - the Dreamgirls Revue show is worthy of an email of it's own...so I won't go into that here and now. Suffice it to say that I was riveted by these woMEN - they were beautiful - and I was so taken by one in particular (Hunter), that I waited for him after the show. The three of us had a little chat and it turns out that s/he had performed in Paris a few years ago and loooooves it there etc.

We still need to cast a small role in the film and that's the role of the costume shop owner. I thought Hunter in drag would be perfect. All I know of him is that he performs at Micky's on Monday nights. I couldn't go and didn't have the presence of mind to call there last Monday, so we stopped by tonight to find the show's manager. He will get in touch with Hunter tomorrow and ask him to call us. Please hold thumbs/cross fingers that it works out. If he's not available though, perhaps we'll offer the part to the guy who does the Cher impersonation. He looks more like Cher than Cher does these days! All that plastic surgery.

Oh and don't get me started on that topic. If I hear ONE MORE radio ad for laser treatment and dermatology procedures and all the other cosmetic improvements they hard-sell you night and day...I'll platz! There is one ad that lists these things in a way that makes me feel more than just a little queasy: "if you are looking for a breast implant, a butt lift, a tummy tuck, nose job, ear job, eyelid surgery, fat removal from thighs, arms and waist, treatment against stretch marks, acne, scarring, permanent hair removal from face, back and limbs from approved surgeons, call 1-800-fixit right now!" (okay, so I took poetic licence on the fixit bit, but you get the idea) ugh, gross.

Well, it's 2:15 AM and I'm rehearsing all day tomorrow and then going to a special preview of Holly Hunter's new film "13" in the evening. Oh hey, I will get to see a celebrity after all! Holly is going to be there for a Q&A after the screening!!!!!!! YAAAY

Later, dudes
Heike