Hollywood Reporter #3

Report number three from Heike - will she ever meet Charlize Theron?

In this week's edition of the Hollywood Reporter, we shall be investigating Los Angelean greetings and mating behaviour and teaching you some unusual grammatical forms that you didn't know existed in the English language.

A common greeting between young people in Los Angeles is: "Wh'aaaad uhhp?" (What's up?) to which the desired response is a (not very enthusiastic) "nuthin'?". The question mark indicates the upward inflection at the end of the word, a very common feature of American speech. What this greeting may lack in warmth, it certainly makes up for in coolness - you can not say "nuthin'?" with a geeky grin on your face. You have to remain unemotional throughout the entire exchange.

If you want to be 'ghetto', you can also say "Wh'aaaaad uhhp, Cracker?" as in "Cracker-ass", which is a very rude way to describe a white man and his bottom. You know, pasty white and dimply with cellulite, like a Ritz cracker. This greeting should be used with extreme caution only. You could lose friends. 'Cracker-ass' is a direct response to 'nigger'....so use carefully and in the right circumstances.

By contrast, the question:"How ARE you?" (capitals indicate where the emphasis lies) should be answered with a very enthusiastic:" I'm GOOOOOOOD?" My first instinct is to ask:" at what?", but then that's just me being a stickler for grammar. Before I came to California, I did not know that "good" was a state of mind or physical health. You live and learn.

Another popular misconception in English is that "there is" can only be followed by a singular noun and "there are" by a plural. It transpires that you can use "there is" for EVERYTHING. Like French fries, it goes with anything. So you can (and should) always say: "There is lots of people on Hollywood Blvd" and never "There are lots of people". My French English students are going to be so pleased when I tell them that. Less to remember.

P.S. All the literate Americans I have pointed this phenomenon out to, deny outright that they themselves do it - only 'the others', the hill-billies and Texans speak like this, they say...and three sentences later a "there's too many cars on the road" or something similar slips out. At this point, there is usually mild tension between us because I brought up a grammar point, so I don't dare burst out with a "SEE??? You just did it yourself!"

LESSON OVER - please tune in again next week for another episode of "How to speak English in America".

Today's headlines: Gloria Glitterwitz has skipped the country. She's basking in the South African sunshine for two months, leaving me here in my own...but I do still have Hogs (the dog who had a run-in with a skunk tonight) and Terry, his owner and Vaughn's housemate. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh... we all miss the glitter-girl.

So, I'm on my 4th rental car. From the same rental company. Why is it so hard to keep one car for a nine week rental contract? And no, I'm not renting from rent-a-wreck either, although I may as well be. The first car, a white Geo Prism, had a loose connection (a very open relationship, in fact) to the battery. This meant that I missed two appointments because I couldn't leave the driveway! So that was replaced by a metallic purple Geo Prism. I had to give the purple bugger back because none of the doors, except the driver's, opened from the inside. So I routinely walked away from the vehicle with my unintentionally abandoned passengers stuck inside like naughty children. The boot didn't open from the inside either, there was no interior light and the fuel consumption was horrific.

Then I finally graduated to a Toyota Corolla, instead of another Geo Prism. This Corolla was white and seemed fine. Until today, when it decided I needed to jerk all the way to Venice beach and back, as opposed to drive. What fun. I couldn't jerk faster than 40 miles an hour either, so it was embarrassing on the freeway! I now have a BLACK Corolla with dark tinted windows and I feel like a gangsta rapper. I'm terrified someone is going to throw a brick through my tinting, but perhaps that is South African paranoia? Like, whatEVER.

Did I mention how I almost cried during my first dance rehearsal for "Instead of me"? OhmyG-d! 30 is cool in the self-esteem stakes, but not cool when you're trying to dance without being properly warmed up and having a very difficult, musically complex dance routine thrown at you. I was in total shock that first day. Three dance routines to be learned and mastered in two weeks, on a body that hasn't danced in this way for over five years...I was contemplating a body double. But then tonight, I warmed up properly before rehearsal and voilà - it was much much better. Which isn't to say that I'm there yet. This is definitely challenging, but at least I feel I'm up to it. Moral of the story? ALWAYS warm up and do your stretches!

Th...th...tha...that's all, Folks!

Heike

January 26, 2004 in Hollywood Reporter